Trash talk, a tradition unlike any other. It’s been a part of sports forever and has led to some epic showdowns between athletes. This got me thinking. Last year, Donald Trump targeted LeBron James, calling him dumb (basically).
The most accurate response would’ve been for LeBron to challenge Donald to a game of basketball. So what if LeBron actually did challenge him? A 1 v 1 matchup would be too easy for Donald, so it would have to be a 5 v 5 game. But who would be on each of their teams? What would happen in the game?
This is obvious.
LeBron’s best friend. He helped LeBron win his first championship and even moved to Cleveland from Miami for him. Name a better friend. I’ll wait.
His partner in being disinvited to a party they had previously said they would not attend. LeBron would want nothing more than to see the Curry shimmy right in front of Donald after he splashed a 35 footer in his face. It would also be hilarious to see that Curry and Donald are actually the exact same height.
The dude loves basketball. Although, this might be one of LeBron’s riskiest picks considering Drake’s fandom and participation in anything related to sports has usually ended in disaster or failure.1See Kentucky, the Raptors, Johnny Manziel, Serena Williams, just to name a few. Tread lightly, LeBron.
Again, this one is obvious.
There’s no way he doesn’t play in this game. He definitely thinks he’s the best basketball player ever. His body is perfect for basketball. He’s got the height, 6’3”, and he can use his weight, 239 lbs, to post-up on smaller guards. The one disadvantage Donald has is the size of the ball. It will be tough for him to deal with a normal sized basketball. He also can’t use a golf cart to get around the court, so that could be a problem. He also has bone spurs in his feet.
Donald definitely won’t play in this game.
Ted is a basketball nut. A real stud on the court. He can take people off the dribble. Shoot. Dunk. I mean, did you seem him play at Duke? Sorry, that was Grayson Allen. Back to Ted. Have you seen his 1 v 1 game with Jimmy Kimmel? The guy was unstoppable. Dribbling the ball up near his head, I’ve never seen that before. His jump shot is pure. Also, I’m pretty sure that he has to do whatever Donald tells him to do.
This pick is more for foreign policy relations than Rodman’s basketball abilities. I’m not even sure Donald knows Rodman played basketball or that he’s in the Hall of Fame. He just wants to build that relationship with North Korea. What better way than to pick Kim Jong Un’s best friend to play on his basketball team. Did Rodman and Donald just become best friends? YUP!
It’s entirely possible Donald saw pics of Kanye’s birthday party at the Staples Center 4 years ago and believes he played for the Lakers at some point. Plus, these two already are besties.
At this point, I think this is a requirement.
Play to 11, win by 2. Make it, take it.
The teams walk on the court and meet at mid court with the two captains leading the way. LeBron and Trump stand toe to toe.
Donald: “So low score wins, right?”
LeBron: “You been hanging with JR?”
Donald: “No, I hate spending time with with my son.”
Tipoff. LeBron wins the tip and immediately drives to the hoop for a dunk. 1-0.
Trump: “My bone spurs are flaring up again. I’m the healthiest basketball player ever. I’m going to sit down.”
Kanye: “Don’t worry, Ye will save everyone!”
Putin: “I guess, I’ll have to do everything myself again.” [takes out his cell phone]
LeBron checks it up top with Kanye. Passes it to Curry who puts up a 2 (3 in pickup terms) and hits it. Immediately shimmies. 3-0.
LeBron checks it up with Kanye. Passes to Obama coming off a screen from DWade, who pulls up and hits his shot as Ted attempts to block it. 4-0.
Kanye decides to climb on top of the basketball hoop at the other end of the court and starts yelling about how Steve Jobs created basketball. Drake realizes he’s not needed and decides to sit off to the side playing Fortnite and cheering for whatever team is in the lead.
LeBron goes on a run of dunks, taking it right to Rodman. 6-0. 7-0. LeBron, bored from dunking, decides to pull up from just above the free throw line and makes it. 8-0.
LeBron then hits Obama again for a jump shot as Ted attempts to block it. 9-0.
“I’m doing so well in this basketball game. I might BE the best basketball player EVER. I’m making so MANY shots.”
Rodman has given up and left, causing Trump to chase after him asking if he’ll still be able to hang with Kim Jong Un next weekend. Putin is still on his cell phone.
Ted is now the only player left on the court. He’s tried calling up a couple of “friends” in the Senate, but everyone declines his call. After checking it up with LeBron, DWade finishes an alley oop. 10-0.
Game point for LeBron’s team. Ted is drenched in sweat, as Teds normally are, but especially Ted Cruz. LeBron proceeds to break Ted’s ankles with a crossover and dunks it. As the ball goes through the hoop, the scoreboard changes LeBron’s score to 0 and Trump’s score goes to 11.
Putin: “It’s done, good work.” [hangs up]